I didn't shave. On purpose
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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