why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
