He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
