Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize