I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
