I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
