you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
