True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
