My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
