I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize