just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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