youre lurking in front of me
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Is it because I queefed?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
