Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
