I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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