I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
