the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
