I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
