Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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