I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You can't special order awesome
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
me + whiskey = a bad person
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize