I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
