I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
