He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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