I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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