Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
handjob tips. give me some.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
