shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
our cab driver is having phone sex.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
