it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
