there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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