In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
