we have officially lost it.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
