I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
