We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Rumble strips road head = magical
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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