the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
