Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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