Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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