I looked at my own cervix.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
