I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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