I'm going to jail i love you
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
