Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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