Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
