I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
