I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
