chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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