You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
