I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
