i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
