last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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