I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
