I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She even gives head with a lisp.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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