chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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