I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
time to smoke my breakfast
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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