community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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