I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize