i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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