Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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