i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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