There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
