I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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