why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
