Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
