I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I will pee on everything he values.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
