woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
